I'm in awe, this is beautifully written. I'm quite envious of how you wrote this so well, a few months a go I wrote an entry in my journal similar:
"To be in love with someone means that there's a level of understanding that only the two individuals must deal have, thus, love is not found in immediacy but in mutuality. Being enamored with someone means allowing yourself to be intrinsic, it requires you to be honest with the things that happen in your own solitude. Love should not be a linear concept where we find shortcuts to remove the oppressive feeling of being alone; love should always be the last part we seek, and we should focus more on seeking platonic relationships. From then on, it will seek out the honest intentions of familiarity, and after platonic which is the truest form of love."
And its probably why I put walking on the same pedestal as having a conversation with someone. Nobody wants to do it because its tiring, but someone having the patience to walk with you on a long narrow road until both the soles of your feet hurt is indispensable. Conversations and taking the time to go through the longer route will always be a sentiment of living. I always go back to watching the before trilogy, as it really did served as a backbone on how I see love occurring in different stages of life, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy's chemistry was so great, their characters had flaws but its what made it perfect. Their conversations took them in so many beautiful scenic routes, and it was everything to me.
i never understood what people meant when they spoke about "chemistry" with someone else. it all clicked for me, the first time i ever stayed up talking w/ someone til the sun was back up. now every time this happens, i know that i'll be able to have a meaningful relationship (romantic/otherwise) with that person.
that's so beautiful that you experienced that, truly a gift and perhaps one of the most incredible experiences we can have, to experience and understand another, and to be seen in return <3 thank you for reading, as always!
What do people recommend if it resonates so much to think of love as never ending conversation, but your current relationship isn’t really in that zone?
I guess the first step is to really reflect if we really believe for us that conversation should be the centerpiece of a loving relationship. And then if it is, figure out how to make a relationship move in that direction? Any tips for how to take responsibility for trying to make that happen?
my first reaction before reflecting is an emotional, maybe even romantic response to just go try and find someone else and a different relationship where I can have that beautifully defined life of conversation you describe there.
But when I reflect, I think that no relationship is perfect and they all take work. And the grass is always greener…and the easy way out is just to leave something. But maybe the better way is to take on the responsibility to make change in the relationships we have. I wonder what others think. And I wonder if you have ideas for how to take concrete steps to make a relationship more like what you so beautifully describe.
Maybe I have been binging on Joe Hudson's content too much recently... But my current understanding is that we are seeking (genuine) connection. And you can connect to others only to the level that you're connected to yourself. So while we ache for having a deep connection (or conversation) with someone else, the first step is to start cultivating that connection with yourself - attuning to your own emotions, needs, and wants, making them come true, sharing your inner world with others. In that way you also invite others to do the same. And over time it becomes more and more an integral part of your life.
A while ago I was in a long term relationship where I was missing deeper connection. But looking back now I understand that I was waiting to be seen, while also partially hiding (even from myself). I was putting so much expectations on other people instead of understanding my inner world and showing up in ways that open the door to the conversations I want.
I don't know if your situation is in any way similar but maybe this can give some insight. May you find what you're looking for ❤️
Me too. I feel deeply unfulfilled in my relationship. It feels quite lonely at times. Our conversations became transactional after kids. Stressful. Always debating over whose opinion is “ right “. And other times, just very superficial. Discussing the features of xyx. A speaker. Car. Tv. My mind hurts. If feels very lonely as described in this beautiful writing. Any advice is appreciated🙏
On your question on how to deepen your relationship: You must both be ready to be vulnerable with each other. Ask each other deep, personal questions and answer them honestly. If you don't want to ask questions, you could do dyads. At GlobalDyadMeditation.org, there are several times a day that this is offered, and also an introduction. All for free. Basically, one person speaks about whatever emotions and bodily feelings are being present, and the other listens quietly. This goes on for 5 minutes, then you switch. If you have done it a few times with Global Dyad, you could do it on your own, just the two of you.
On your question whether you should stay in this relationship: Seeing you have this longing for real, deep love, you deserve such a relationship. Whether with this person or another. Only you know what feels right. Good luck to you and everyone else reading this. ❤️
You write so beautifully in this entire essay, Maja. I love how you describe real intimacy: "mutual prompting, mutual witnessing, an endless back-and-forth of seeing and being seen, a daily work of co-created shared language."
I've always said that relationships are mirrors, and the deepest ones are those where we feel understood while we have new elements about ourselves revealed back to us.
This kind of love is absolutely worth the wait and the search. I stayed single for almost 7+ years as I couldn't find anyone who desired the same depths that I was looking for. Since I met my partner, I want to share from experience that it is possible. Both individuals have to be willing and open for that depth of love. (And side note! It's not always an easy love, as we're challenged, growing, and we look deeper into ourselves than ever before, but it's the most connected and rewarding experience I've come to find.)
Sending you a big hug from Lisbon, and hoping that you find that big, deep, beautiful love 💓
Of course, other expressions of love matter. Gifts, acts of service, physical affection are beautiful. But without understanding, they’re just gestures, because good conversation, and the understanding it signifies, is the foundation. Without it, everything else becomes mimicry of actual love.
*To me this is the crux of it. This idea feels very true for me. Beautifully written and explained. Very grateful for your words.
Thank you for this! I really liked this point you made in particular:
> "It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about dogs or death or dish soap, because you can still learn someone’s worldview through the most ordinary surface, if it’s done right. The real question is: are we exchanging anything real?"
This reframing of small talk as not something defined by the subject, but instead by the engagement with the subject is really interesting to me. (I love the term "conversational surface," and the assertion that any conversational surface can be used to understand someone better when used meaningfully.) I think it's a much better model than dismissing certain conversation topics (work, travel, weekend plans, etc.) as inherently shallow/surface-level.
my boyfriend is currently away on a trip, and after just a couple days apart, he called me and we talked until 1 in the morning about anything and everything. it hits me in those moments of oh, i could spend the rest of my life talking to you.
What a gorgeous read this was. I found myself itching to highlight nearly every paragraph. Communication to me is also the gateway to opening up and sustaining true love.
Now I've read out of order, I reckon, but I'm retracing my steps in order to reread "attention is love" and "how does love stay alive?" Also, seeing someone else echo my thoughts so well has further motivated me to share them. Well done, Maja. You write beautifully.
such a beautiful read.I honestly feel like most of the time people who gain interest in me don’t actually get to know me because i’m the one that has soo many walls .I can’t bring myself to let them in …i can’t let them know me and my thoughts which has definitely made me lose relationships that could have been beautiful….it really is all about the conversations you have with someone.I’m learning to let people in.sharing more and i love the bonds I’m making through this
im stunned by your perception of love because its so similar to mine and you write so beautifully, also this reminds me of my relationship with my best friend. I think what makes it so different is that all our dialogue are grounded in some kind of depth that none other than us can understand
I'm in awe, this is beautifully written. I'm quite envious of how you wrote this so well, a few months a go I wrote an entry in my journal similar:
"To be in love with someone means that there's a level of understanding that only the two individuals must deal have, thus, love is not found in immediacy but in mutuality. Being enamored with someone means allowing yourself to be intrinsic, it requires you to be honest with the things that happen in your own solitude. Love should not be a linear concept where we find shortcuts to remove the oppressive feeling of being alone; love should always be the last part we seek, and we should focus more on seeking platonic relationships. From then on, it will seek out the honest intentions of familiarity, and after platonic which is the truest form of love."
And its probably why I put walking on the same pedestal as having a conversation with someone. Nobody wants to do it because its tiring, but someone having the patience to walk with you on a long narrow road until both the soles of your feet hurt is indispensable. Conversations and taking the time to go through the longer route will always be a sentiment of living. I always go back to watching the before trilogy, as it really did served as a backbone on how I see love occurring in different stages of life, Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy's chemistry was so great, their characters had flaws but its what made it perfect. Their conversations took them in so many beautiful scenic routes, and it was everything to me.
i never understood what people meant when they spoke about "chemistry" with someone else. it all clicked for me, the first time i ever stayed up talking w/ someone til the sun was back up. now every time this happens, i know that i'll be able to have a meaningful relationship (romantic/otherwise) with that person.
also bbng is so so good
that's so beautiful that you experienced that, truly a gift and perhaps one of the most incredible experiences we can have, to experience and understand another, and to be seen in return <3 thank you for reading, as always!
bbng indeed based
What do people recommend if it resonates so much to think of love as never ending conversation, but your current relationship isn’t really in that zone?
I guess the first step is to really reflect if we really believe for us that conversation should be the centerpiece of a loving relationship. And then if it is, figure out how to make a relationship move in that direction? Any tips for how to take responsibility for trying to make that happen?
my first reaction before reflecting is an emotional, maybe even romantic response to just go try and find someone else and a different relationship where I can have that beautifully defined life of conversation you describe there.
But when I reflect, I think that no relationship is perfect and they all take work. And the grass is always greener…and the easy way out is just to leave something. But maybe the better way is to take on the responsibility to make change in the relationships we have. I wonder what others think. And I wonder if you have ideas for how to take concrete steps to make a relationship more like what you so beautifully describe.
Maybe I have been binging on Joe Hudson's content too much recently... But my current understanding is that we are seeking (genuine) connection. And you can connect to others only to the level that you're connected to yourself. So while we ache for having a deep connection (or conversation) with someone else, the first step is to start cultivating that connection with yourself - attuning to your own emotions, needs, and wants, making them come true, sharing your inner world with others. In that way you also invite others to do the same. And over time it becomes more and more an integral part of your life.
A while ago I was in a long term relationship where I was missing deeper connection. But looking back now I understand that I was waiting to be seen, while also partially hiding (even from myself). I was putting so much expectations on other people instead of understanding my inner world and showing up in ways that open the door to the conversations I want.
I don't know if your situation is in any way similar but maybe this can give some insight. May you find what you're looking for ❤️
Spot on, and beautifully said.
Me too. I feel deeply unfulfilled in my relationship. It feels quite lonely at times. Our conversations became transactional after kids. Stressful. Always debating over whose opinion is “ right “. And other times, just very superficial. Discussing the features of xyx. A speaker. Car. Tv. My mind hurts. If feels very lonely as described in this beautiful writing. Any advice is appreciated🙏
It’s easy to blame someone or something else. We are all personally responsible for our situation in life. Change your attitude-change your life.
On your question on how to deepen your relationship: You must both be ready to be vulnerable with each other. Ask each other deep, personal questions and answer them honestly. If you don't want to ask questions, you could do dyads. At GlobalDyadMeditation.org, there are several times a day that this is offered, and also an introduction. All for free. Basically, one person speaks about whatever emotions and bodily feelings are being present, and the other listens quietly. This goes on for 5 minutes, then you switch. If you have done it a few times with Global Dyad, you could do it on your own, just the two of you.
On your question whether you should stay in this relationship: Seeing you have this longing for real, deep love, you deserve such a relationship. Whether with this person or another. Only you know what feels right. Good luck to you and everyone else reading this. ❤️
I’m pondering this myself; thank you for articulating it!
You write so beautifully in this entire essay, Maja. I love how you describe real intimacy: "mutual prompting, mutual witnessing, an endless back-and-forth of seeing and being seen, a daily work of co-created shared language."
I've always said that relationships are mirrors, and the deepest ones are those where we feel understood while we have new elements about ourselves revealed back to us.
This kind of love is absolutely worth the wait and the search. I stayed single for almost 7+ years as I couldn't find anyone who desired the same depths that I was looking for. Since I met my partner, I want to share from experience that it is possible. Both individuals have to be willing and open for that depth of love. (And side note! It's not always an easy love, as we're challenged, growing, and we look deeper into ourselves than ever before, but it's the most connected and rewarding experience I've come to find.)
Sending you a big hug from Lisbon, and hoping that you find that big, deep, beautiful love 💓
Of course, other expressions of love matter. Gifts, acts of service, physical affection are beautiful. But without understanding, they’re just gestures, because good conversation, and the understanding it signifies, is the foundation. Without it, everything else becomes mimicry of actual love.
*To me this is the crux of it. This idea feels very true for me. Beautifully written and explained. Very grateful for your words.
This is my first week on Substack and it already has brought me so much. Thank you for your words they have started a conversation in my head 🐞
I’m so happy to hear this, thank you for reading my words and welcome to Substack! :)
Thank you for this! I really liked this point you made in particular:
> "It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about dogs or death or dish soap, because you can still learn someone’s worldview through the most ordinary surface, if it’s done right. The real question is: are we exchanging anything real?"
This reframing of small talk as not something defined by the subject, but instead by the engagement with the subject is really interesting to me. (I love the term "conversational surface," and the assertion that any conversational surface can be used to understand someone better when used meaningfully.) I think it's a much better model than dismissing certain conversation topics (work, travel, weekend plans, etc.) as inherently shallow/surface-level.
my boyfriend is currently away on a trip, and after just a couple days apart, he called me and we talked until 1 in the morning about anything and everything. it hits me in those moments of oh, i could spend the rest of my life talking to you.
lovely stuff!
I loved this!
aw thank you so much for reading, appreciate it!
What a gorgeous read this was. I found myself itching to highlight nearly every paragraph. Communication to me is also the gateway to opening up and sustaining true love.
Now I've read out of order, I reckon, but I'm retracing my steps in order to reread "attention is love" and "how does love stay alive?" Also, seeing someone else echo my thoughts so well has further motivated me to share them. Well done, Maja. You write beautifully.
This is the most beautiful thing I have read in a while. Thank you for writing this article :)
that’s so kind! thank you for reading it.
such a beautiful read.I honestly feel like most of the time people who gain interest in me don’t actually get to know me because i’m the one that has soo many walls .I can’t bring myself to let them in …i can’t let them know me and my thoughts which has definitely made me lose relationships that could have been beautiful….it really is all about the conversations you have with someone.I’m learning to let people in.sharing more and i love the bonds I’m making through this
I love the way you write, how all heart <3
thank you so much <3
Beautiful!
thank you!
Goddamn you’re good
im stunned by your perception of love because its so similar to mine and you write so beautifully, also this reminds me of my relationship with my best friend. I think what makes it so different is that all our dialogue are grounded in some kind of depth that none other than us can understand