I really love this- of course it's a positive thing to be 'remade' by someone who brings out something wonderful, but I've also seen a negative version of this with people in relationships where the partner brings out something worse! A reminder to be judicious about the people who you allow to remake you!
If I may, part of this is a beautiful description of what is called pygmalion effect - where high expectations of others lead to improved performance of ourselves.
this is one of my fave piece of yours and there’s quite a few that I love already. being in a position where i’m getting to know a person and even made this new self discovery rlly puts it into perspective. your writing makes me feel less afraid to show myself and be vulnerable. because only then I get to learn more about myself. so thank you and I can’t wait to read more! 💗 also one of your essay literally made me create a substack acc haha
wow! this is truly so wonderful to hear, I really appreciate you reading and I'm so happy you've joined substack :')
I'm so happy you feel less afraid to show yourself and be vulnerable, because youre right, it really does help us learn so much. I wish you all the best!
Love this. The part “People really do glow differently in love.” Has really stuck with me, I’m not in love at all, but it’s just such a lovely sentence.
Loved this piece! I’ve often thought of being different versions of ourselves with different people as some kind of inability to be our authentic selves but I like this perspective so much more
> To me, it speaks to love’s power as an act of invention, the way certain people draw out a version of you that didn’t exist before they arrived. They witness you, and thus, rearrange you.
This resonates, but also in a different way. Not take a way from positive sentiment of the piece, but there are *also* some people who draw out not-so-good versions of us. Each relationship is a co-creation. The best are the ones you describe, but some, also, draw out parts of us that we are not in our other relationships. A framework I've enjoyed exploring is the becoming of "permission". People in our lives gives us permission, they open doors, and some of those doors are good for us, and some are bad. Some are ego-syntonic, affirming us, expanding us, because we want that. They, for example, see an artist in us that others don't see, and supports us to become great artists. Or, they ego-dystonic, helping us to *not* be people who we are: like, helping gather the courage to end addiction. But, some people are syntonic and dystonic in dysfunctional ways, giving us permission to lean into a part of ourselves who that we shouldn't become. And so, under this framework, it helps to ask: if these people draw these things out of us, what's stopping you from doing it yourself? To become the great artist you wish to be, or to end that addiction that's been plaguing you.
Regardless, sometimes we would arrive in the same place, but it feels in some sense that others are guides to maps that we would ignore or never tread. And that's amazing.
Thank you so much for reading, as well as engaging so deeply and thoughtfully.
You call out an important nuance I didn't capture in my piece regretfully - I definitely framed mine around the positive effects of this co-creation, but you're right it most certainly goes the other way too
as such, it helps to be judicious with those we keep close and are thus shaped by, as another commenter Addy noted
This is exactly what came up for me when reading this. I was saying the other day that I need to make some new friends — not because the old ones are bad — but because artistically they don’t seem to want to see my entirety (as Ani DiFranco wrote, the “pieces of me [they’ve] never seen”.) And it really does seem to hold me back. “What’s stopping you from doing it yourself” is the question indeed! Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Yes! The harder part of it was also learning to show up unapologetically and as authentic as possible (it's still hard). If you want people to see one's entirety, one has to show it to them and face the potential rejection. Because if they were going to reject you anyway, why bother hiding it? You're only taking away from your ability to meet the right people that will see and appreciate more of you. Good luck! :)
If you think about it with a certain lense, you NEVER do anything "yourself". We are a relational species, all building off one another. For example, an addict knows its possible to get sober because OTHERS are sober and someone came up with the concept. It doesn't have to be a close relationship to qualify a relationship. Relationships make up who we are and there is no escaping that.
Agree 🫶 And I always believed that people are like chemical ingredients - when you mix two together - they might change their qualities and structure. Explode or be good together. You simply can’t predict the outcome. And if smth is not working out, it’s nobody’s fault. Just your chemical ingredients do not mix. But there is someone with whom you will create the beat mixture
This is profound: “To become someone else, not because you were incomplete, but because there are parts of you still waiting to be made real in the presence of another.” Thank you!
as someone married to who I consider the best human I’ve come across, i absolutely agree with and love this essay. he has unlocked beautiful, secure and joyful parts of me that I buried because the wrong people shamed me. ive also seen him become more joyful, playful and free; healing the little boy in him who had to grow up too soon because of responsibilities.
In the morning, I try to steer away from the phone and sit outside to drink my tea. Since I started reading on substack, my time here feels more productive. But reading this article….productive is too small of a word.
Today I started reading this angry at my boss (who, hilariously, has the same name as you, sorry) and now I’m near tears from the beauty of this piece. You write with such fierce softness about love that it started healing parts of me that felt bitter and sharp about it. And in all of this, you’ve reminded me again why I write.
There’s no thanks that I can give that would communicate my gratitude to you. You did it. You did what writing is supposed to do. You touched a heart so far away, you helped heal it and made it feel seen. Small as it is, thank you.
Wow what a beautifully profound and touching comment, I am so grateful you chose to comment on this. It means so much to me to hear this and I’m so overjoyed it evoked this within you. 🩵
I so agree with what you are saying. I feel as though I'm healing and finding answers for questions I've been asked that never entered my mind for 50 years. I had a very loving relationship with the most wonderful person, but it ended swiftly because of an auto accident. Ended isn't really true, I still love this person to the day. We had fun. Playful as we were. My son asked me, why I did something and I'd never thought about why, and had no answer, until I was reading comments here. One person wrote about a relationship that was playful and making them feel as if they were children again, but having fun now, where they weren't able to a a child. That was my answer to why I did what I did. We were playful and able to be ourselves with no restrictions. The love was unconditional and that was understood by us both. Now, 50 years later, I finally put those feelings into words.
This was a really amazing read. I feel like the misconception of love is that no one is suppose to change you. But it’s not like a person is holding you against your will. It means that they open you to new experiences, version of yourself you tried to hide. You can help but to let go in love.
what a beautiful way to look at human connection. it’s also a great reminder to be intentional with whom you allow in your orbit.
i also loved what you said about our sense of self being a collaborative fiction and choosing to see others through the eyes of
someone who loves them. it’s choosing to see the good, choosing to live life with love. it’s like what they say about forgiveness- we don’t necessarily forgive for the sake of the other person, but to free ourselves. your description of seeing strangers through this kind of love and light is like the flower that blooms between the cracks in the concrete. if our lives are an external manifestation of our inner world and perception, then why not chose the view of love? i will be incorporating this into my life now :) looking forward to reading more of your work xx
A true precursor to change is deep acceptance. To be remade, someone must first feel safe being exactly who they are now. Too often we cling to potential, offering conditional love—“I’ll love you once you become what I see in you.” But real transformation doesn’t grow in conditional soil. It begins when someone feels wholly seen and embraced in their present state - “I love you now, I’ll love the person you’re becoming, and the one you may be remade into along the way.”
I really love this- of course it's a positive thing to be 'remade' by someone who brings out something wonderful, but I've also seen a negative version of this with people in relationships where the partner brings out something worse! A reminder to be judicious about the people who you allow to remake you!
this is very true and an important nuance I didn't mention!
given how much we are shaped by those around us, it's worth being judicious indeed
Hey do u mind if I shout out your essay in one I am writing ? It takes the annealing concept but it’s about grief … let me know!
Go for it!
If I may, part of this is a beautiful description of what is called pygmalion effect - where high expectations of others lead to improved performance of ourselves.
was thinking about this too! how some attention makes you go cold and hardens you...
this is one of my fave piece of yours and there’s quite a few that I love already. being in a position where i’m getting to know a person and even made this new self discovery rlly puts it into perspective. your writing makes me feel less afraid to show myself and be vulnerable. because only then I get to learn more about myself. so thank you and I can’t wait to read more! 💗 also one of your essay literally made me create a substack acc haha
wow! this is truly so wonderful to hear, I really appreciate you reading and I'm so happy you've joined substack :')
I'm so happy you feel less afraid to show yourself and be vulnerable, because youre right, it really does help us learn so much. I wish you all the best!
Love this. The part “People really do glow differently in love.” Has really stuck with me, I’m not in love at all, but it’s just such a lovely sentence.
Well I'm in love with you.
Well, thank you haha right back at ya 😉
Which one is it? 🥹
you mean which essay? the one on “how to become real” 🥹
Loved this piece! I’ve often thought of being different versions of ourselves with different people as some kind of inability to be our authentic selves but I like this perspective so much more
Really enjoyed this.
> To me, it speaks to love’s power as an act of invention, the way certain people draw out a version of you that didn’t exist before they arrived. They witness you, and thus, rearrange you.
This resonates, but also in a different way. Not take a way from positive sentiment of the piece, but there are *also* some people who draw out not-so-good versions of us. Each relationship is a co-creation. The best are the ones you describe, but some, also, draw out parts of us that we are not in our other relationships. A framework I've enjoyed exploring is the becoming of "permission". People in our lives gives us permission, they open doors, and some of those doors are good for us, and some are bad. Some are ego-syntonic, affirming us, expanding us, because we want that. They, for example, see an artist in us that others don't see, and supports us to become great artists. Or, they ego-dystonic, helping us to *not* be people who we are: like, helping gather the courage to end addiction. But, some people are syntonic and dystonic in dysfunctional ways, giving us permission to lean into a part of ourselves who that we shouldn't become. And so, under this framework, it helps to ask: if these people draw these things out of us, what's stopping you from doing it yourself? To become the great artist you wish to be, or to end that addiction that's been plaguing you.
Regardless, sometimes we would arrive in the same place, but it feels in some sense that others are guides to maps that we would ignore or never tread. And that's amazing.
Thank you for the reflection!
Thank you so much for reading, as well as engaging so deeply and thoughtfully.
You call out an important nuance I didn't capture in my piece regretfully - I definitely framed mine around the positive effects of this co-creation, but you're right it most certainly goes the other way too
as such, it helps to be judicious with those we keep close and are thus shaped by, as another commenter Addy noted
This is exactly what came up for me when reading this. I was saying the other day that I need to make some new friends — not because the old ones are bad — but because artistically they don’t seem to want to see my entirety (as Ani DiFranco wrote, the “pieces of me [they’ve] never seen”.) And it really does seem to hold me back. “What’s stopping you from doing it yourself” is the question indeed! Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Yes! The harder part of it was also learning to show up unapologetically and as authentic as possible (it's still hard). If you want people to see one's entirety, one has to show it to them and face the potential rejection. Because if they were going to reject you anyway, why bother hiding it? You're only taking away from your ability to meet the right people that will see and appreciate more of you. Good luck! :)
If you think about it with a certain lense, you NEVER do anything "yourself". We are a relational species, all building off one another. For example, an addict knows its possible to get sober because OTHERS are sober and someone came up with the concept. It doesn't have to be a close relationship to qualify a relationship. Relationships make up who we are and there is no escaping that.
This was lovely
It’s 7:30am and I’m eating a bagel in a coffee shop.
I’m contemplating turning that loving gaze outward towards my fellow patrons for as long as I can hold onto the magic.
Update: 7:37 and Im realizing that loving gaze has to be turned inward too.
7:41 and I’m crying in the bathroom.
Baby steps.
💕
this comment really touched my heart, thank you for reading and sharing this! I wish you a wonderful day ahead <3
This is a writing that I will return to when I feel ungrateful about loving and being loved. Thank you!
so glad to hear this! thank you for reading and commenting. may we cherish all those we love and are lucky to be loved by 🩵
“neural annealing” is a wonderful term!
I do love the imagery! Full credit to the qualia computing blog for that metaphor
Agree 🫶 And I always believed that people are like chemical ingredients - when you mix two together - they might change their qualities and structure. Explode or be good together. You simply can’t predict the outcome. And if smth is not working out, it’s nobody’s fault. Just your chemical ingredients do not mix. But there is someone with whom you will create the beat mixture
gorgeous, I love the analogy of chemical ingredients! relationships are alchemy, producing new substances within us all :')
This is profound: “To become someone else, not because you were incomplete, but because there are parts of you still waiting to be made real in the presence of another.” Thank you!
thank you for reading! :)
as someone married to who I consider the best human I’ve come across, i absolutely agree with and love this essay. he has unlocked beautiful, secure and joyful parts of me that I buried because the wrong people shamed me. ive also seen him become more joyful, playful and free; healing the little boy in him who had to grow up too soon because of responsibilities.
how beautiful that you have discovered that, what a gift! <3
‘I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me’ - Woolf, The Waves
a perfectly related quote, thanks for sharing!
In the morning, I try to steer away from the phone and sit outside to drink my tea. Since I started reading on substack, my time here feels more productive. But reading this article….productive is too small of a word.
Today I started reading this angry at my boss (who, hilariously, has the same name as you, sorry) and now I’m near tears from the beauty of this piece. You write with such fierce softness about love that it started healing parts of me that felt bitter and sharp about it. And in all of this, you’ve reminded me again why I write.
There’s no thanks that I can give that would communicate my gratitude to you. You did it. You did what writing is supposed to do. You touched a heart so far away, you helped heal it and made it feel seen. Small as it is, thank you.
Wow what a beautifully profound and touching comment, I am so grateful you chose to comment on this. It means so much to me to hear this and I’m so overjoyed it evoked this within you. 🩵
I so agree with what you are saying. I feel as though I'm healing and finding answers for questions I've been asked that never entered my mind for 50 years. I had a very loving relationship with the most wonderful person, but it ended swiftly because of an auto accident. Ended isn't really true, I still love this person to the day. We had fun. Playful as we were. My son asked me, why I did something and I'd never thought about why, and had no answer, until I was reading comments here. One person wrote about a relationship that was playful and making them feel as if they were children again, but having fun now, where they weren't able to a a child. That was my answer to why I did what I did. We were playful and able to be ourselves with no restrictions. The love was unconditional and that was understood by us both. Now, 50 years later, I finally put those feelings into words.
"i'm sure there are aspects of my personality buried within me that will surface as soon as i know i am completely loved."
This was a really amazing read. I feel like the misconception of love is that no one is suppose to change you. But it’s not like a person is holding you against your will. It means that they open you to new experiences, version of yourself you tried to hide. You can help but to let go in love.
thank you so much reading and commenting! Exactly, opening us up and surrendering to who we may become :)
what a beautiful way to look at human connection. it’s also a great reminder to be intentional with whom you allow in your orbit.
i also loved what you said about our sense of self being a collaborative fiction and choosing to see others through the eyes of
someone who loves them. it’s choosing to see the good, choosing to live life with love. it’s like what they say about forgiveness- we don’t necessarily forgive for the sake of the other person, but to free ourselves. your description of seeing strangers through this kind of love and light is like the flower that blooms between the cracks in the concrete. if our lives are an external manifestation of our inner world and perception, then why not chose the view of love? i will be incorporating this into my life now :) looking forward to reading more of your work xx
That's gorgeous and agree, definitely worthwhile being intentional whom we allowed! Thank you so much for reading and commenting <3
A true precursor to change is deep acceptance. To be remade, someone must first feel safe being exactly who they are now. Too often we cling to potential, offering conditional love—“I’ll love you once you become what I see in you.” But real transformation doesn’t grow in conditional soil. It begins when someone feels wholly seen and embraced in their present state - “I love you now, I’ll love the person you’re becoming, and the one you may be remade into along the way.”