As usual, your words touch on something so real. Thank you for sharing your gifts. This is a thread of inquiry I have been following myself for a long time. It's funny, I so often have though of Lost in Translation as an apt title for my attempts at connecting with others.
I'm currently reading Liz Gilbert's new book, All the Way to the River. It's given me pause to think about this from another angle. Perhaps our yearning to be accepted by others and really seen, validated, affirmed, is something we can only fundamentally do for ourselves. But we chase the feeling in others like hungry ghosts, desperate to get some of their acceptance to feed our starving void, a lack of true, unconditional love and acceptance of ourselves. We lay ourselves out for another, and hope they will affirm to us that we are really okay, after all. Despite how much we are not sure that it's true. Hence why we lay it out for another to affirm or reject. I have "known" this conceptually before, but never experienced the truth of it until lately.
In my own journey of understanding myself as autistic later in life and finally unmasking in front of my loved ones, I realise my desperate need for them to see me, hear me, accept me, and not turn away when I've laid bare all my messiness at their feet - it's ultimately a fear driven by my own (previous) unwillingness to accept myself as loveable, worthy (all those hallmarky things) and good, even with all my humanly foibles and selfishness, greed, need to control, <insert other shadow side personas here>.
I am coming to see that I am no longer as fragile/fearful of the pain of being rejected by another (that ache you describe of laying yourself bare and not being received, affirmed, loved anyway), now that I have experienced myself as inherently worthy, regardless of anything I do or not do. That there is no thought I could have, no hurt I could inflict on myself or another, that would make me less perfect, less worthy of love. I no longer have to put this in the hands of others to decide, so I can no longer be so hurt by them. I can, however, choose to be with them anyway, and experience a new boundless curiosity for them now that I no longer need so much from them in terms of validating me. It's opened up a fascinating new way of being in relation to others.
This is the longest comment in my history of substacking. Thank you for helping me articulate my growing understanding of myself by opening up this shared inquiry!
Beautiful comment Tessa. I love the picture you described, of someone sharing their brokenness with a person they care deeply about and trust totally, and hoping and praying they still accept them. I struggled with this too (still do), and it is a sense of… almost terror, that comes when you realize that others can completely destroy you simply by ignoring you, your vulnerability. My ex always listened, always supported me through hard times, and accepted my brokenness. Then, she became my ex, and I was… lost. No source of validation, even though I am around people constantly, I felt lonely because I wasn’t “connected” to any of them, like the essay suggested. Creating a sense of validation in myself is a struggle, but relying on others to “help” me (while essential, ask for help when you need it kids) is also simply not sustainable, when people can never truly care about you EXACTLY how you need them to, unless they’re your partner for life. Self-validation is incredibly hard to master, like self-motivation or chess (lol), but incredibly important to a joyful, safe-feeling life. I’m far from perfect, or even good, at it, but it’s at the forefront of my focus for the first time in years. Validation CANNOT ONLY come from others, especially only one person. It must come from inside, a confidence and assurance from within your soul. Believe in yourself, and love yourself.
Thank you for sharing this Travis. Sounds like you have been experimenting on this concept out in the petri dish of the big wide world like me. And coming to a similar conclusion from your lived experience. I, too, have found self love hard to master! And I have never been patient enough to play chess, so that is probably a clue as to why, lol. I thought of self-love in a yucky Hallmarky way. Like treating myself to massages etc, and it felt very empty and performative.
My portal to self-love was looking at my shadow sides very directly, with an unwavering gaze that transmitted something like acceptance.
It's really interesting what you said about your ex being a "source" of validation, and without them you were not "connected". This gets to the essence of what I'm feeling at the moment. That this kind of love/validation/acceptance is more like a drug than the real thing. Like we have almost hijacked the life force supply of another person and fed off it, and when the tap gets turned off, we feel a kind of deadness (disconnection).
Like eating fast food - love via "attachment" offers a precarious/fragile form of "satiation" that does not truly nourish us. It leaves us craving more, but never feeling "full".
this is so beautiful and equally beautifully written. true for every connection, romantic or not. ‘like open palms, listening without deflection’ - what a simple yet deep way to define effort.
this!! attention always feels like a loop to me - it’s not just what you give, but how it lands. it feels less like an exchange and more like this constant tiny calibration. you offer presence, i receive it (or don’t), and we adjust. that’s what makes listening so hard, I think - it’s alive in the moment. you’re not just hearing, you’re letting yourself be reshaped by the moment
I felt this one deeply. The slow erosion of attention, the ache of being next to someone and still unseen — you put language to something most people only feel in silence. Thank you for writing this.<3
Beautiful. I continue to learn to love through presence and attention. I’ve become aware of my need to offer fixes. As if a fix rises my own self worth. I rush to find solutions right away, but in essence listening with your full attention is the solution. The answer reveals itself for the one sharing. Thank you for this reminder.
Wow! This is so well written. I love the bit about how to truly listen - it has given me new goals on how I show up to any and all tables with those I love.
As usual, your words touch on something so real. Thank you for sharing your gifts. This is a thread of inquiry I have been following myself for a long time. It's funny, I so often have though of Lost in Translation as an apt title for my attempts at connecting with others.
I'm currently reading Liz Gilbert's new book, All the Way to the River. It's given me pause to think about this from another angle. Perhaps our yearning to be accepted by others and really seen, validated, affirmed, is something we can only fundamentally do for ourselves. But we chase the feeling in others like hungry ghosts, desperate to get some of their acceptance to feed our starving void, a lack of true, unconditional love and acceptance of ourselves. We lay ourselves out for another, and hope they will affirm to us that we are really okay, after all. Despite how much we are not sure that it's true. Hence why we lay it out for another to affirm or reject. I have "known" this conceptually before, but never experienced the truth of it until lately.
In my own journey of understanding myself as autistic later in life and finally unmasking in front of my loved ones, I realise my desperate need for them to see me, hear me, accept me, and not turn away when I've laid bare all my messiness at their feet - it's ultimately a fear driven by my own (previous) unwillingness to accept myself as loveable, worthy (all those hallmarky things) and good, even with all my humanly foibles and selfishness, greed, need to control, <insert other shadow side personas here>.
I am coming to see that I am no longer as fragile/fearful of the pain of being rejected by another (that ache you describe of laying yourself bare and not being received, affirmed, loved anyway), now that I have experienced myself as inherently worthy, regardless of anything I do or not do. That there is no thought I could have, no hurt I could inflict on myself or another, that would make me less perfect, less worthy of love. I no longer have to put this in the hands of others to decide, so I can no longer be so hurt by them. I can, however, choose to be with them anyway, and experience a new boundless curiosity for them now that I no longer need so much from them in terms of validating me. It's opened up a fascinating new way of being in relation to others.
This is the longest comment in my history of substacking. Thank you for helping me articulate my growing understanding of myself by opening up this shared inquiry!
Beautiful comment Tessa. I love the picture you described, of someone sharing their brokenness with a person they care deeply about and trust totally, and hoping and praying they still accept them. I struggled with this too (still do), and it is a sense of… almost terror, that comes when you realize that others can completely destroy you simply by ignoring you, your vulnerability. My ex always listened, always supported me through hard times, and accepted my brokenness. Then, she became my ex, and I was… lost. No source of validation, even though I am around people constantly, I felt lonely because I wasn’t “connected” to any of them, like the essay suggested. Creating a sense of validation in myself is a struggle, but relying on others to “help” me (while essential, ask for help when you need it kids) is also simply not sustainable, when people can never truly care about you EXACTLY how you need them to, unless they’re your partner for life. Self-validation is incredibly hard to master, like self-motivation or chess (lol), but incredibly important to a joyful, safe-feeling life. I’m far from perfect, or even good, at it, but it’s at the forefront of my focus for the first time in years. Validation CANNOT ONLY come from others, especially only one person. It must come from inside, a confidence and assurance from within your soul. Believe in yourself, and love yourself.
Thank you for sharing this Travis. Sounds like you have been experimenting on this concept out in the petri dish of the big wide world like me. And coming to a similar conclusion from your lived experience. I, too, have found self love hard to master! And I have never been patient enough to play chess, so that is probably a clue as to why, lol. I thought of self-love in a yucky Hallmarky way. Like treating myself to massages etc, and it felt very empty and performative.
My portal to self-love was looking at my shadow sides very directly, with an unwavering gaze that transmitted something like acceptance.
It's really interesting what you said about your ex being a "source" of validation, and without them you were not "connected". This gets to the essence of what I'm feeling at the moment. That this kind of love/validation/acceptance is more like a drug than the real thing. Like we have almost hijacked the life force supply of another person and fed off it, and when the tap gets turned off, we feel a kind of deadness (disconnection).
Like eating fast food - love via "attachment" offers a precarious/fragile form of "satiation" that does not truly nourish us. It leaves us craving more, but never feeling "full".
this is so beautiful and equally beautifully written. true for every connection, romantic or not. ‘like open palms, listening without deflection’ - what a simple yet deep way to define effort.
Your writing is so inspiring! Truly grateful that there are still people like you in the world! So sick of modern day romance…
this!! attention always feels like a loop to me - it’s not just what you give, but how it lands. it feels less like an exchange and more like this constant tiny calibration. you offer presence, i receive it (or don’t), and we adjust. that’s what makes listening so hard, I think - it’s alive in the moment. you’re not just hearing, you’re letting yourself be reshaped by the moment
Amazing, you’ve touched on a lot of ideas I keep coming back to
Seems so simple
love this movie love this article ugh your writing makes me ache its so good
Soooo good 🙏
I felt this one deeply. The slow erosion of attention, the ache of being next to someone and still unseen — you put language to something most people only feel in silence. Thank you for writing this.<3
Loved it
Beautifully written with wonderful connections and reflections. Thank you for sharing your perspective with the world ✨
Beautiful. I continue to learn to love through presence and attention. I’ve become aware of my need to offer fixes. As if a fix rises my own self worth. I rush to find solutions right away, but in essence listening with your full attention is the solution. The answer reveals itself for the one sharing. Thank you for this reminder.
bestest writer i've found here. love it every time!
that is so generous and kind! thank you for reading my work 💗
Girl your so fucking wise and SUCH a amazing writer, please write a book 🥹😍
thank you so much for the kind words, means a lot! be sure to subscribe to be informed when the book is launched :’)
Brilliant reflection at a very opportune time for me. Thanks for sharing.
thank you so much for reading! I’m glad it struck a chord
Wow! This is so well written. I love the bit about how to truly listen - it has given me new goals on how I show up to any and all tables with those I love.
I’m so happy to hear this, that goal is so beautiful. thank you so much for reading
This was truly beautiful.
thank you so much for reading!